雖然從一出生就輸了I am a loser when I was born

在人生的跑道上
男生往西 女生是往東
我一出生時就被配到男生的跑道上
我疑惑地望著前方
不知該不該前進
又不時回頭 抱著羨慕的眼光　
看女生的跑道
父母在後面搖旗吶喊
我勉為其難地向前走


掙扎了二十幾年
我終於不再懼怕往女生的方向走
雖然我落後了二十幾年
雖然我從一出生就輸了
可是我好高興 這才是我喜歡的道路

I am a loser when I was born

On the raceway of life
Men toward west, while women toward east
I was assigned to the men's way when I was born
I looked forward with embarrassement
I doubt should I move forward
I turned my head, in envious way
Looking on the women's raceway
Behine the way, parents encouraged me
I step forward reluctantly

Struggled in my mind more than 20 years
I am not afraid to move toward women's way
Although I lagged for more than 20 years
Although I am a loser when I was born
Anyway, it is my favorite way, I feel so happy

辦好新身份證了！I got my new ID card done !

上星期日時，拿了新拍的照片和填寫好的資料，去里長辦公室那邊辦理新身份證。

這個星期日時，帶了印章和舊身份證去里長辦公室，心中忐忑不安，想說如果辦理人員跟我講「這明明是女生的照片，妳怎麼能辦男生的身份證呢？」就打算大吵一架，說你這里長怎麼不了解自己里民的狀況，還歧視變性人。

我拿出舊身份證時，辦理人員說「要拿本人的身份證才行」

我說　「這是我國中時候拍的」

對方笑笑說　「哦，原來妳國中時候是理小男生頭啊」

拿到身份證，很高興上面是漂亮的女生照片了，但還差名字。我就在路上跟我媽說「昨天同學會時，還有上次看長庚時，大家都問我說怎麼還沒換個名字呢？」我就跟我媽一直在聊什麼名字好：曉風、曉雨、鏡園、曉月、曉真、曉圓....

I got my new ID card done

Last Sunday, I brought my new photo and application form to the office of village head, for applying for the new ID card.

This Sunday, I brought the seal and old ID card to the office of village, with much anxiety. What if the faculty said "Hey, it's a girl's picture. How can you use it to apply for a men's ID card". I prepared to have a fight with them, said "How can you ignorant to the situation of your villagers", and accuse them of discrimination on transsexuals.

While I took out my ID card, the personnel said "You have to bring your personal ID card"!

"This old picture was taken when I studied in junior high school", said I.

she smiled, "No wonder, you had a haircut like a little boy before".

I am very happy when I got my new ID card, because there is a picture of pretty girl on it. However, my Chinese name is still a problem. While I walking on the road, I told to my mom, "Yesterday when I am in the party of my high school classmates, and when I had a clinic with Chang-Gung Hospital, they all asked me, why not change your name".

I discussed with mom, which Chinese name sounds best, such as Xiao-Feng, Xiao-Yu, Jing-Yuang, Xiao-Yuan, Xiao-Yue, Xiao-Zhen, Xiao-Yuan, and so on.

高中同學會Party of High School Classmates

寄件者 附中同學會

剛進去聚會場合時，座位上都空無一人，我是第一個進來的。等了約五分鐘後，黃同學、申同學進來了，他們看到我時都沒打招呼，可能以為我是某人的家眷吧，我主動向前跟他們打招呼，並一一喊出他們的名字，他們都楞住了，不知道這個女的是誰。黃同學想了一下，喊出說「妳難道是╳同學!?」，我微笑點點頭，他們都覺得很不可思議，我怎麼變成女生了，我問黃同學說，你怎麼會認出我來，他說他是看身高的，班上有180公分高的人沒有幾個。

我跟他們聊了幾分鐘後，班上最活躍的賴同學也進來了，我跟他打招呼，他也嚇一跳這個女生竟然是以前的╳同學。他感到很好奇，主動問了我很多問題，包括說「為什麼會想變女生呢？」「從多久以前就覺得自己是女生的了？」「妳變成這個樣子父母有沒有怎樣反應？」「在公司時同事都待妳很好嗎？」「至今到現在生活上有碰過什麼困擾？」

後來班導師進來了，我也嚇一跳，沒想到老師會來我們的同學會，賴同學為老師一一介紹同學，介紹到我的時候，老師一直覺得賴同學是對他開玩笑，一直問我說「妳是誰帶來的家眷啊？」直到我主動跟老師說「╳老師，你好」，老師才訝異地說「妳真的是那╳╳╳啊！」不過老師可能還是有點懷疑吧，就問了我以前一些事：「我記得妳以前很喜歡畫漫畫，後來還有繼續再畫嗎？」我就說台灣現在漫畫界也不太景氣，畫漫畫也無法填飽肚子，剛好我那時大學是考上資訊系，想說就算不能畫漫畫，學會寫程式，寫出自己喜愛的GAME也算是實現自己的夢想，畫圖的話就當做是自己另一個興趣好了。

老師可能覺得我今天這樣子穿只是一時好玩吧，也問了我許多問題，比如「從什麼時候開始會想變成女生的呢？」「父母那邊有怎麼樣？」。我就把自己的心路歷程、生活遭遇侃侃而談。後來老師跟我說，他覺得我現在變得開朗多了，我以前高中時講話都唯唯諾諾的，不太會表達自我，眼光不敢看別人，現在的我不僅比較敢表達自我，眼睛也看起來有神了。我說也有可能是我以前戴眼鏡，所以眼睛看起來小小的吧。


這次同學會時滿高興的是，許多同學都接納我，同學說我看起來就像是個女生，看不出來是男的。老師也滿開明的，並沒有歧視變性人，他認為我自己過的幸福快樂最重要。有的同學說他以前常抱怨我們這一班都是男生，沒有一個女生，現在很高興有女同學了。有人說這代表附中什麼事都是第一，可以編入以後的附中傳奇。同學會後，大家聚在一起拍照，我也非常地開心一起合拍。之後就各自回家了。

Party of High School Classmates

As I arrived at the place of party, there was nobody on the seats. I was the first one came here. After waiting for few minutes, classmate Huang and classmate Shen came in. They didn't say hello to me. I supposed they thought I am the girlfriend of someone else. I gave a greeting to them on my own accord, and call their name respectively. They were shocked. They had no idea who she was. Classmate Huang mulled for a while, and shouted "Hey! You are classmate XXX, right!?" I nodded with a smile. They felt it marvelous. What makes me change to be a girl?

I asked classmate Huang, "How did you recognize me"? He said, "I noticed your long stature, because there are a few of classmates longer than six feet".

After chatting for few minutes, schoolmate Lai, who is the most active person in the class, also came in. I said hello to him. He was astonished this girl was one of his classmates before. He was curious, and ask me many questions, such as "Why did you want to become a girl?", "How long before you feel you are a girl?", "How do your parents treat you as you changed to a girl?", "Do your colleagues in the office treat you well?", and "Have you encountered any trouble in daily life?"

Afterwards, class teacher also came in. I astounded, because I didn't expect the teacher will join the party. Classmate Lai introduce other classmates to the teacher respectively. When I was introduced, teacher thought Lai was kidding at him. Teacher kept asking me, "Are you a girlfriend brought here by one of my students". Until I said "Hello, Teacher Gao", the teacher realized, and said, “Oh, you are my student XXX”. Perhaps the teacher still doubted me, so he asked me, “I remember you were interested in drawing manga, are you still working on it?” I answered, “The industry of manga in Taiwan is not mature enough. This career can barely provide the maintenance for the manga creators. As I gained the admission to the department of Computer Science, I decided to be a game programmer. I wanted to create the game I dreamed. The manga creation can just be my recreation.”

The teacher maybe thought I cross-dressed myself for fun, he asked me some questions, such as “How long before you decide to change your gender?”, “How do your parents think?” I began to confide my life history, and life experience to the teacher. Then, the teacher told me, “You looked more confident and more extrovert than before. While you studied in high school, you were a very shy boy. You were bad to the sociability. Nowadays, you are good at expressing yourself, and your eyes look more attractive.” I answered, “Maybe I wore eyeglasses before, so my eyes looked unappealing.”

I was very happy in this party, because many classmates accepted. One the classmates said nobody could recognize me as a boy, and I am a girl at all. My teacher has an open mind, he did not discriminate transsexual, and he think it is more important to keep in a cheerful frame of mind. One of the classmates said, he always complained about that all of the students in this class are male, no one is female, and he is glad that there is one female student in this class. One said it represents the predominance of HSNU, and it should be picked into the legends of HSNU. After the party, we had a fun to be photoed together. I also joined. Then, everyone returned home happily.

我的上司拉老大My manager, Mr. Ra

中午的時候，我出門要去修眉時，碰見我的上司拉老大(印度人)

他說
「妳今天穿得真的很漂亮」(以下都是以英語對話)

「真的嗎？」

「妳知道嗎，如果我是妳的話，我就去隆乳，去拍戲，去當模特兒了，才不要待在這公司了」

「可是如果我去當模特兒的話，那project 就沒人做了」

「誰還管什麼project 啊...」

這已經是第三個人勸我去當模特兒了，可是說真的，我覺得去當媽斗對我來說是個不確定的未來，我不認為當媽斗只要是在伸展台上走一走就好了，如果那麼簡單的話，那誰都可以當了。雖然說我做的本行也是滿辛苦的，可是至少賺的薪水穩定。

我認為還是把自己的本行顧好再說吧。

My manager, Mr. Ra

At noon, as I went outside to the beauty shop for eye brow shaving, I met Mr. Ra (an Indian).

He said, "You dressed very pretty today."

"Really?", said I.

"Do you know? If I were you, I would undergo breasts augmentation surgery, be an entertainer, or be a model. I don't need to stay in this company."

"But if I become a model, then no one can handle the projects."

"Who cares the project?"

It's the third person who encourages me to be a model. Actually, being a model is an uncertain future to me. I don't think being a model is a easy job, which only needs to walk on the catwalk. If it is very easy, anyone can be a model. Although my company is a sweatshop, anyhow the salary is stable.

I think it's better to keep my place first.

為什麼大家都盯著我看？

下午我去了OKI SIZE 歐其塞斯鞋店，這家鞋店專門賣特大碼女鞋，而且有賣到45、46號。我在一雙麂皮鞋，和一雙露趾涼鞋之間較量好了久，最後決定了涼鞋，試穿的時候，我發覺自己左右腳不一樣大，右腳覺得鬆，但左腳覺得緊，我特別交代說左腳楦頭撐大點，右腳加止滑墊，付了錢之後，準備星期五再來拿。

再後來到了頂溪站附近的牙科，我希望把我的上門牙做鑲牙，可是牙科醫生說我那顆牙必須先做好根管治療，等到牙齒穩定後，才可以做鑲瓷牙。不知道是不是我填了那初診資料的關係，護士她稱呼我為先生，第一次聽到時我在想是不是聽錯了，後來她叫了第二次之後，我就找了一個機會對她說

「可不可以不要叫我先生，叫我小姐好嘛？」
「哦，你不想被叫先生，要叫小姐... ？」
「是的」
「哦！那麼我幫妳改一下填寫的資料！」


等公車回家時，有一個歐吉桑在我身旁，從我後面走到前面，他回頭看了一次，向前走了五步路又回頭看了我一次，再走幾步他又回頭了一次。


好奇怪，以我過去的經驗，男生對性別的敏感度是最低的，尤其是歐吉桑，可是今天我覺得在路上，在捷運中，是男性對我注目最多次。我真希望學會讀心術，了解一下他們看到我時心中想的是什麼。「這女生怎麼長得這麼高？」「她鼻子好高，是外國人嗎？」「今天天氣這麼熱，她怎麼穿個又大又長的燈籠裙呢？」「她化妝怎麼那麼濃？」到底他們為何盯著我看呢？


回家的時候，我打手機回家，接聽的是我媽
「媽，我現在要回家了」
「你怎麼那麼早回來？」
「我下午看牙科啊，所以提早回來」
「媽，爸爸在不在家啊」
「他還在家吧，我到客廳看一下」
「嗯」
「他還在欸」
「啊... :(」
「你是不是有什麼原因不能回來」
「我穿裙子」
「你穿的是怎麼樣的 o_0」
「跟昨天一樣的長裙」
「哦，那沒關係嘛」
聽到這樣，我想說，就算被我爸看到，碎碎唸，我也不怕了
，就直接進到家裡了。

理想的性別變更政策

之前的新聞剪影，有評論者認為說「變性」對於社會的治安是一大威脅:「如果男生可以隨意進女廁、進女更衣室，那麼性別隔離不就無用武之地，社會的治安管理不就一片混亂了？」


聽到這言論，才想到性別規範的起源除了保護傳宗接代、「生命的意義在宇宙繼起之生命」這種繁殖生衍的觀念之外，另一用處是治安管理。比如說，我們常假設受到性騷擾、性侵犯都是女生居多，所以女廁通常會搞得比男廁還戒備森嚴（很多公司的女廁會用密碼鎖來鎖門），或像台鐵一樣實施女性專用車廂來保護女生。


而這論者認為，性別如果可以隨便亂改，那就好像，經常打架鬧事的放牛高中的學生，只要穿上了明星高中的制服，就能宣稱自己是明星高中的學生，肆無忌憚地闖入明星高中威脅好學生。


我是承認，一個性別的領域的確是要存在一些檢查機制的存在，以避免另一性別隨意闖入，但是這檢查機制應該更合情合理才對。

比如說像是移民，我移民去美國並沒有被要求說一定要整形成像白種人一樣金髮碧眼，眼窩深、鼻子高。只要我能夠符合美國移民局的資格，有工作，固定收入，認同這個國家，居住滿一段時間後，就能拿到綠卡了。


而我所希望的身份證性別變更，最好也是像移民一樣，由專業人員監視一段時間，有服用荷爾蒙，滿一個期限後就能變更身份證性別了，而至於說你要不要做整形手術、變性手術，來讓你看來更像那個性別，就看你自己了。


這樣的好處是，對於許多無力支付變性手術龐大費用的ＴＳ們，再也不用到處去借錢做手術，就能被社會承認他們該有的性別過生活。去應徵工作時，也不會因為外貌打扮與身份證性別不符合而到處碰壁。而我們也可以在同性戀結婚法案還沒通過之前，就與心愛的人結婚了。

妳查某子，真水ㄟ

剛才我跟爸媽去吃父親節大餐(公館的泰國料理)從家裡出來，走到通往搭計程車的路上時，突然碰到一位歐巴桑對我喊「啊，這是妳查某子啊，真水ㄟ」我聽到時完全一楞，因為我並不認識她，我回頭看我媽，一直笑笑的不回答，後來我問我媽，我媽說那是菜市場賣豬肉的歐巴桑。

媽媽說她也有碰過一次類似的狀況，有一天媽接到朋友的電話，朋友說「我早上在菜市場時看到妳跟妳小女兒走在一起，妳女兒好高哦」

媽媽聽了也是一楞，想說二女兒正在法國留學，大女兒現在都住丈夫家了，早上跟她一起走的就只有我了。我媽也是笑笑不回答。

我問媽說，那如果對方問說那個小兒子到哪去了，會怎麼回答呢？我媽就說「他上班去了」